114. Three Kings Dry Lager

Posted: August 19, 2011 in Australian lager
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Three Kings Dry Lager

Company info:
Independent Breweries Australia
Laverton, V.I.C

[No website listed]

Bottle size sampled: 330 mL

Standard drinks: 1.2

Cap type: Non-twist

Cost: I picked this up for $2.50 AU

Label info: ‘A classic dry-style lager; clean, fruity and crisp. A superior taste that’s sure to impress’.

What the label really means: When I see the words ‘classic’ it almost always means ‘tired, old, and generic’. It’s just repackaged generic lager you’ve tried a hundred times before. Really hope I’m wrong on this account.

The Hell-Cat review starts here

Label: I don’t mind the label on this brew. It has a sort of Last Crusade feel to it, harking back to the classic Indiana Jones film. It looks majestic and grand. It’s downfall is the use of gold that turns the whole label into bogan bait. This label would attract Sunday arvo beer drinkers that like to look like their drinking premium beer while watchin’ the footy. This same label in a dark blood red would work a treat. As it stands, it’s stepped into shonky real estate agent territory.

I give it a label rating of 5.5 out of 10.

AROMA:  Very mellow in smell…there’s an almost earthy scent combined with a slight tinge of citrus.

Taste: GLASS – Three Kings Dry Lager is smoothly carbonated with an over-powering back of mouth bitterness. It’s pretty dry, quite boring, bland and flavourless. Not for me at all.

I give it a beer from glass rating of 5.5 out of 10.

Taste: BOTTLE – Just as bland, with an increased sense of bitterness. It’s just not enjoyable I’m afraid and finishing this bottle has become a bit of a chore.

I give it a taste from bottle rating of 5.5 out of 10.

Song of choice: Try this alongside Greenday’s ‘King For a Day‘

Accompanying food: Something tomato based would perhaps suit this brew. A dish such as lamb shanks in a tomato based sauce or tomato pasta may be just what this beer needs.

Best season to appreciate: More a Summer brew.

All-nighter beer? No, not for me…it’s too bland, it’s too bitter.


  1. Radio Snivins says:

    I fear this blog has deaded


  2. BargeDave says:

    I found the stuff to be over-carbonated rather than ‘smoothly’ so, but bland was definitely the word on my mind when it came to flavour. I note the other members of the 3 Kings range aren’t beers at all, which generally indicates to me that the brewer is aiming for the middle of the road. I like a beer that’s headed for the ditch.


    • Radio Snivins says:

      Yes, I noticed Three Kings also do a cider and a voddie ‘n’ ginger. How common. How utterly common. Still, they could be commoner, they could do a radler, or a shandygaff, or worse, one of those low-carb jobbies, à la Big Head or Bolt. I tried a sixer of Biggy recently, which is actually no-carb. The first one was fine, as was the second, but by the third I didn’t have the energy to lift it to the ol’ gob. I ended up having to slurp it off the floor like an animal.


      • Mason Hell-Cat says:

        Yeah I agree with that Bighead summation. I bought a six pack a while ago and it really did nothing for me…made me rethink my original review of it on this very site.


  3. Radio Snivins says:

    I see Three Kings is next week’s beer as well. After Friday’s foolishness I’m a tad Three Kinged out, and I wasn’t that cock-a-hoop with the stuff that I fancy payin’ full magoo for it, but a week is a long time in whiffling. I think the poet Kipling said it best: ‘…If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of speed guzzling, yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, and, which is more, you’ll be shitfaced my son!’ I really believe that.


    • BargeDave says:

      Best Kipling re-write EVER. 10 out of 10, Sniv!


      • Radio Snivins says:

        Thankyou, Bargé. Kind words. I was gunna go with Oscar Wilde’s 1882 New York customs quip – ‘I have nothing to declare but my penis’ – but I thought it too lewd. I can’t in all honesty claim lewdness as one of my own virtues, but I find it irresistable in others.


    • Mason Hell-Cat says:

      Woops! Have updated my ‘next week’ section! Thanks for the heads-up Snivelly. It’s not like me to have errors on this site is it??


      • Radio Snivins says:

        Don’t flagellate yourself too hard, ‘Kazoo. Errors are like fried chicken – everyone has their own coating recipe, which is inferior to KFC, but it drops sky dollops on Cap’n Drumstick. Yes, that’s what errors are like.


  4. Radio Snivins says:

    It’s with heavy heaRT and misty mincers that i write this review ,my fellow foozenix.Last night, the beer section and part of the shiraz aisle at my local Murphettorium sustained heavy casualties in a storm related roof collapse. When interviewed by BoozeNews ,a religious affairs program on the fictitious RAdio Snivins Network,a Murphett management told me they’d lost 5o% of their beer stock – Lest We forget – and that survivors had suffered irreperable label damage and were being sold at reduced prices, which is why I’m of hh and mm, aka addleonioned, because lv’e just guzzed twelve ½ price Three Kings double quick .Nine out of ten…hic


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