Crown Lager

Company info:
The Crown Company
Southbank, V.I.C


Bottle size sampled: 375 mL

Alcohol: 4.9%
Standard drinks: 1.4

Cap type: Twist

Cost: $3.80

Label info: ‘Recognised as Australia’s Finest premium lager, since it was first commissioned to honour visiting dignitaries in 1919’

What the label really means: Being recognised as Australia’s finest premium lager in 1919 is hardly an achievement is it? After all, those were simpler times back then. A time when child slavery was the in thing, where cock fights happened in the middle of the main street in town, and people went nuts for cravats. Back then, boot polish was probably recognised as Australia’s finest breakfast spread. Get with the times, Crown Lager.

The Hell-Cat review starts here

Label: As a staunch, long-time protester of ‘real estate agent gold’ adorning beer bottle labels, Crown Lager takes this hatred and boots it into another stratosphere. This label makes me want to curl up in the fetal position, suck my thumb, and just count down till rapture day. I felt dirty picking this up from my bottlo. It’s like a pack of Benson and Hedges cigarettes wrapped around a bottle and molded into shape by a dirty old bloke with yellow fingernails and motley overgrown eyebrows. It’s like the dodgy uncle that everyone suspects has an unhealthy attraction to guinea pigs as he sits there sipping away on a glass of sherry. Old fashioned, cheesy, lame.

I give it a label rating of 0.5 out of 10.

AROMA: A citrus infused wheaty aroma. It smells a bit generic but I am willing to give this a chance.

Taste: GLASS – It’s very plain, citrus-inspired, watery and dull. There’s a dry and bitter lingering after taste that very quickly develops into what I can only imagine resembles sucking on an old, dirty, sweaty, gym sock. I also note it feels a little bloaty and normally I am not one to notice this in brews. Sadly, I have nothing positive to mention.


I give it a beer from glass rating of out of 10.

Taste: BOTTLE – What I really don’t like about this Crownie is its distinctive bloatiness. Drinking this from the bottle, the bloat seems to be magnified. Two sips and it feels like I’ve just had a steak and fries with a glass of chocolate thickshake poured over the top. I also notice just how sour this beer is…almost like off-fruit mixed in with dirty brown dishwater. This is getting more and more horrid with each mouthful.

I give it a taste from bottle rating of 3.5 out of 10.

Accompanying food: Something intense in flavour to mask the horrible taste of this fetid brew. Perhaps a chicken curry.

Best season to appreciate: I guess a Summer brew if I had to choose.

All-nighter beer? No thanks – aside from being a very unpleasant, dull beer, it’s way too bloaty.

NEXT WEEK: My Wife’s Bitter

  1. BargeDave says:

    Apologies for the lateness of this comment but I’ve been happily off-line for the last month (and am also enjoying not having a mobile phone for the first time in well over a decade). I’m no fan of this beer, but an interesting fact about it is that Crown is apparently what the rest of the world is drinking when they crack open an ice-cold tube of Fosters, to reference Bazza MacKenzie. While our Fosters is truly abysmal, the beverage served under the Fosters banner throughout the rest of the world is more dull than disgusting. I’ve never been abroad, so I’m only repeating what I’ve read somewhere else.


  2. barry bowman says:

    your all nuts, l’ve drank this gold for 20yrs, it’s pure heaven’ in fact l’ve got one in my hand while doing this e-mail.


  3. Radio Snivins says:

    Good review. Honest review. I’ve never been a fan of Crown Lager, but even less so since my accident.


  4. H.A. Chamberlain Esq. says:

    For a “premium” beer it tastes like absolute garbage. My dad drinks these like they’re going out of style (even though they clearly already have), and in desperate times I’ll have a few and Christ they’re not pleasant.

    To give Crown Lager some credit its miles better than Crown Pilsner, one of the worst beers I have ever had the displeasure of drinking a quarter of a bottle of.


    • Mason Hell-Cat says:

      I do not understand how anyone can consider this to be a premium beer.

      Crown Pilsner….now that’s one I’ve not heard of young Skywalker.


      • Radio Snivins says:

        I’ve tried Crown Pilsner, and I’ve tried Reschs Pilsener. I’m also famil with the principle of Occam’s Razor is – the simplest answer is the best – and the simple answer is that a dodgy beer begets a dodgy pilsner/pilsener. It’s practically biblical.

        Crown must have it’s head up its Saaz if it still considers itself to be a premium brand. It’s prem status went the way of the Polly Waffle long ago, and it only got it because it was oddly shaped ‘n’ overpriced. Lucky Beer would’ve been considered the Messiah back then.


  5. Ben0 says:

    This is my all time favourite review. Probably due to the fact that I agree 100% with it. Crown lager is to beer what Justin Bieber is to popular music. Weak, uninspired and grossly overrated.


    • Yeah I fully echo the sentiments of Ben0. Best blog so far and also absolutely on the money. I only ever drink this stuff if forced (i.e. when at a pub/venue/party and this is the only beer available). And being forced to drink it makes the whole experience even worse. It’s torture basically isn’t it? Pure torture hidden behind a dazzling shiny gold label. The stuff of a beer guzzler’s worst nightmares.


      • Mason Hell-Cat says:

        This beer can totally destroy a night for me.

        ‘Free beer’ read the invite in cursive font…and I was instantly excited and nervous all at once. I should have known better.


      • Radio Snivins says:

        John Greenleaf Whittier said it best – “Of all sad words from tongue and pen, the saddest are ‘what might have been?'” I really believe that, which is why I never attend a free fooze function without a vial of clove oil in my skyrocket. A swig, slosh ‘n’ spit of that stuff if the provided potations require it and my tastebuds can take an rdo along with my wallet.


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